Patti Smith is keeping me company tonight, in case you couldn’t tell from the title of this post…
It’s been a bad couple of weeks, which is why I haven’t really been around. Most of the time I don’t even know what to post anymore, because I’m still having trouble with a lot of things I would normally post about, like sewing. Sometimes it feels like everything is going wrong, like life is throwing way too much at me all at once. As soon as I think I’m doing okay with the latest horrible thing, something even more unimaginably horrible is thrown my way and I feel like just giving up, but I don’t, because I can’t and I won’t let myself. And I’ve got to stop feeling like the not giving up part of things isn’t good enough, because right now it is. Right now, it has to be.
I’ve realized that sometimes people I think are going to help me just want to pawn me off on to the next person, and as awful as that feels I need to just take a breath and keep fighting for myself because I know what I need and I know what is right for me. I’ve got to start being more accepting of myself and of my own experiences, because how the hell can I expect anyone else to if I can’t? I’ve got to stop feeling so closed off and shut off and bad because there’s so much I can’t articulate – sometimes things are just too horrible to put into words when they’re going on, and they might be too horrible to ever put into words and I just have to be okay with that. I never thought my life would turn out the way it did, I (perhaps naively) never thought after ending my last relationship that things would get even harder and more upsetting and terrible than I could even begin to fathom at the time, but they did, and still are, and I’ve been dealing with a hell of a lot that is just too much and too hard to talk about. A lot of things are changing and I’m having to do a lot of really difficult work, most of which involves deadlines and pressure and having to deal with things I’d rather just bury and never have to face again, because it’s heartbreaking and upsetting and awful. But I’m still fighting for something better. I’m still fighting to do what is right for myself. I’m hoping that I’ll be able to be around here more soon, but like I said, every time I think I’ve adjusted to the latest awful normal, something even more terrible surfaces that keeps me frozen in silence, so I can’t make any promises right now, except that I’m going to keep trying and I’m going to keep fighting.
There’s been so many times in my life when I’ve felt like such a failure and such a horrible role model. As I once wrote, way back in my poetry writing days:
“& I was always a little sister to my little sisters
& I was always more of a child to my big sister
& no wonder I have a complex
No wonder I have to worry about
Being a burden to you & oh will you ever forgive me?
Will anyone ever forgive me for
The damage done?”
And I felt so much guilt and shame and pain for that for so many years – it still hurts, if I’m completely honest, but that is a huge part of the reason I won’t stop fighting through all of this, no matter how hard it gets, because even though I know it’s a little too damned late to be a good role model for my three younger sisters, I have a small niece who also means the world to me, and every single day I’m fighting for her. I’m fighting for all of my sisters, for my niece, and for once in my life, I’m fighting for myself. And even though I feel really bad and guilty when I’m not around here on the blog posting or responding to comments for longer periods of time than I would like, I know deep down that I’m doing what I need to be doing – I just wish I had more time and energy for the blog right now, because it’s so much fun, and I love talking to all of you and I really, really miss it and need it.
I know this post is kind of scattered, it’s after 1:30am where I am right now and I’ve barely slept in the last 48 hours, but I really wanted to post tonight and say something, because I know I’ve been gone for awhile and I feel really down about that. I completed another 70’s sewing project that I hope to post soon, and I have some sewing projects that have technically been finished for awhile now but I’m not entirely happy with how they turned out and need to figure out a way to improve them so I haven’t photographed them yet. I’ll try to get on it during the quiet moments!
I hope you’ve all been doing well, I’ve been missing all of you so much. ♥ I’m sorry for this lame, mostly annoyingly vague post, I’ll try to post something more fun soon – cuz god knows, none of you signed up for any of this nonsense! Now, I’d better go and cuddle my cat, or she’ll never let me go to sleep tonight – I don’t think she likes Patti as much as I do. 😉